If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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