i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize