dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
