Is it because I queefed?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
