I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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