my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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