Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
