u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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