I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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