I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
