I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize