I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
