You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
