its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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