i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
