how can u be prego again
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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