Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
