is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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