My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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