Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
