Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
