I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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