Already got asked if we're dating
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
