listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
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