Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize