Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
