I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
