walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
