his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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