The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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