Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
