I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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