So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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