So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
