I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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