if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
