You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
