I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I want to make a zoo with you.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
