While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
