I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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