You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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