my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
