Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
