i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
