I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
