Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize