Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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