Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
