Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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