I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
