The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
i need some magic done to my vagina
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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