The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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