My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
