If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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