I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
In other news, I just burned my penis
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
