My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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