I am in a vortex of obligation.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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