I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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