I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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