Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
