There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
