On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize