dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
