would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
