You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
my shit smells like andre
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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