After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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